When I Want to Give Up

Jade Lee

As she walked into the pew filled seats, her significance could never be taken but seemed diminished…she would not give up.  Passing person by person, her thin yet sculpted legs began to climb one step, glancing around at lights, a pulpit of familiar faces and the beautiful yet down-to-earth house of worship. 

Once and for all, today was going to be the cementing moment she’d been longing for…just like track, she would set her mind, visualize the race, see herself passing one fully suited girl at a time, their number blazing behind her, until she was in the lead.  She would begin to pace herself, do the seemingly un-accomplishable, and the screaming voices soon becoming smiling faces were going to greet her as she crossed the line in triumph.

The only problem was, this reality came so easily in running.  It was like she didn’t have to try.  The visualizations of her spiritual victories was all together different.

She would get in position, iron her uniform, place it gently onto her nervous chest, beating twice as fast as normal.  Then taking her well-worn shoes into her hands, begin to think about her already defeated foe doing the same.

But when she walked down the same accelerated steps to make that final move, to pass her adversary, the screaming voices never varied into smiling faces.  Instead, they dissipated into quiet disappointment and disapproval.

As she was passed by this same opponent over…and over…again.

How many times was this going to happen?

She appeared to be in a deep moment of stuck.  Yes, her legs walked down the accelerated steps in great anticipation for her already purchased liberation.

Yet her life never seemed to match the promising pages of her Scriptural text.  I can’t seem to find His power!

My heart aches as in borderline humiliation I try it once again.  Step 1: Open the door.  Step 2: Humble yourself.  Step 3: Stand for prayer.  Step 4: Pick up your legs.  Step 5: Walk down the stairwell.  Step 6: Say yes to the call.  Step 7: Say the prayer.  Step 8: Get Godly Counsel.

She tried it so many times now that she could have written a book about it, taken someone else through it, but it didn’t seem to matter.  There would never be the power in her life she saw in David, Deborah, Esther, Daniel or Elijah if something didn’t shift soon.

It was like once she left the doors of that building all was the same old, same old- temptations, falls, struggles and desperate-guilt-filled prayers to a GOD who never seemed to get her All the Way Out.

This girl is….ME.

For years I was…STUCK.

And I felt like there was no hope, but just enough to keep my trying.  There was no evidence, but just enough to keep me believing.

And this in-between place was a tiring mystery gap, an enigma of differentiation when comparing my life to the GOD of the Bible.

Maybe you have been there before?  Maybe you are there now.  It is so easy to feel like there is no hope, yet you cannot give up because you can see Just Enough of what GOD is doing to keep believing.

Then you wonder why He is not quickly helping you OUT.  You do not see Him at work, but you do.

You want to give up and quit, throw in the towel, feel disillusioned, discouraged or depressed.

But you know too much.

Just because He hasn’t done it in the past doesn’t mean we will not see it in the future.

I’ve been there before.

I’ve seen Him answer.

I’ve seen Him do the Impossible.

And here I am again…I’m sitting in the seat of hope deferred fulfilled enough to break the ice of frozen stuck.

It is melting around me and in faith,  I am finding JOY.

The Children of Israel were in a similar place when Queen Esther arrived on the scene.  In one day their destiny was changed from normalcy to frustration.  A decree was written that they would be annihilated in a day.

And their possible became impossible.  They needed a MIRACLE.

Of course, reading their story is much more comforted than journeying our own.  And now is the time to do so.

Purim.  March 24th 2016.  Represents a Day Called Stuck.  Turned Into a Day Called Reversal.

I want to invite you into a world beyond your own.  It is the place where GOD is Disguised in Circumstance.

Much like a Chronicles of Narnia adventure, we can walk through the doors of revelation into a new world.

In this world it all makes sense.  All the wait.  The frustration.  The mystery soon becomes clear.

And we are made whole.

He was disguised in the circumstances of Esther without a mention of His name.  And He is disguised in our lives today.  He is in our situations, the people we meet, the places we find ourselves.  Yet we are so distracted by what else is wrong that we oftentimes miss His hand.

Every year during Purim, the Jews remind themselves of this truth, dressing their children up in the hopeful characters GOD would work through to save them from the Impossible.

It is time to play dress up.  It is time to remember and It is time to hope again!

Today’s Meditation: Have you found yourself wanting to give up on getting out of Stuck?  Do you sometimes wonder if fasting and believing will work or only end in greater disappointment?  Is it possible to get pass this?  Why is this happening?  How will I get out?

When you are in a situation where you do not have the answers, a mystery, and you need to see GOD’s deliverance, He oftentimes has you sitting in the answer to your prayers.  It may be in the person right next to you, but least expected.

The end of my story is I found a way out.  I kept going to that altar until one day it happened, but not at the altar.  It happened in a life circumstance, in a loss.  When I loss someone who I appeared to need, GOD came into my life giving me the freedom I desparately desired.

Apply this Key to Victory: Read the Book of Esther, yes, the entire book and watch GOD’s Mystery Hand masquerading in natural events, working to bring salvation to the Jews.  He has a way of working in the natural where we are not even looking! 

Then ask yourself the following questions: 1. How have the events in my life recently changed? 2. Who have I recently met (in the past couple of years) that seems GOD sent? 3. Why may GOD have placed this person in my life?  4. What do my current circumstances say to the unresolved issues or promises I am waiting on from GOD?  5. How could the losses in my life really be open doors for opportunity? 6. What has been my perspective of change in my life?  7. Have I been seeing GOD in my circumstances/people in my life, or only looking for Him in other places?

Pray and ask Him for revelation living in patience until the mystery is revealed.  As we celebrate Purim it is a great reminder of His nature to work it all out for our good!

Has there ever been a time you couldn’t see GOD moving then, Surprise, you realized He was working on your behalf the entire time?  Please do share in the comments.  We would love to hear!


2 replies
  1. Tuwa
    Tuwa says:

    Sister Lee, thank you so much for this encouragement. I was just asking the Lord what to read next in the Bible and felt the nudge to read Esther. So it was super encouraging to hear (or read rather) you say read Esther. As always, it’s great to hear your testimony also, it helps me remember even great people have struggles but Hod can see us through. I cherish your posts so much, they are often such an on time blessing! Thanks again!

    • Jade Lee
      Jade Lee says:

      Sweet Tuwa,

      Thank you for reading my insights! Isn’t is awesome when He does that, so gently nudges us into the focuses He has in mind? If you haven’t already, I’ve actually written a book that may bless you as you become a deeper student in the Book of Esther-http://jadelee.org/wp-content/uploads/2015/08/the-book-of-esther.pdf It’s free and I believe it will aid you in your studies. Hugs & Blessings!


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