Healing Comes through Letting Go

Sometimes healing comes through letting go…letting go of what we think we need so we can bring forth new life in a new way. Have you ever been holding onto old things and not even realized it?

Going into 2020 I found myself sitting in a church, two antsy toddlers dangling from my legs, attempting to worship through song and listening. Then the strangest Christmas word I’ve ever heard came forth!

It was all about Infertility, the unexpected and how this year is Already the best year of your life, 2019. My eyebrows began to scowl in a mixture of confusion and a bit of anger at God. God really? I’m not seeing it and we only have a few more weeks left! What’s going on?

Mary and Elizabeth had babies in unexpected ways. They weren’t expected to be fertile, to be used by God, but here they were chosen as the least expected to carry the promise…the Savior and the prophet.

I left that sermon deeply relating to their stories. What good could come from Nazareth? What good could come from Jade? What good could come from this broken womb?

I preach. I sing. I dance. I worship. In many forms. I see my own imperfection more than any. I am my worst critic and best friend all at once.

I am learning grace and faith all over.

And here I was back at the threshing table. The one I laid on due to hope and promise delayed, many a time. The one I laid on exactly a year before, as they cut a precious organ out of my body, two days away from death.

Like Elizabeth, my body failed me once again, I couldn’t do the norm on my own. Produce Life!

I am learning grace and faith all over!

Gratefulness carries me through the clinic that once brought me life, as I watched women of all walks of life, women of all shades of color walk through those doors. Fear mingled with a glimmer of hope and terror was on all their eyes. I held their hands in the spirit because I knew the journey all too well.

Test after test. More money on medical bills to come. Ugh.

But also grateful for the opportunity to try and carry life.

So I went home (to see family) before the procedures began and I was faced with weekly visits in Atlanta.

In January I would start the process of getting pregnant through the medical industries’ amazing expertise.

I had been blessed with one of the nation’s best doctors so I clang to thanksgiving in the midst of obvious frustration.

In the midst of this family trip I began to feel sick, the air was drier in the north, and cooler. Nasal drip, sickness, weakness, more symptoms. Three days in I had to rush to urgent care. What is going on?

As a course of standard procedures the first question was, “Are you pregnant?”

No way! I’ve suffered with years of infertility. Not possible.

Take a blood test, the nurse chimed.

I went Through the motions and was secretly Happy I got to do this in a public place because Lord if you only knew how many test I had taken only to see one blue line. Pain point here people.

Then to the next room. The doctor arrives and asks about my symptoms. I share.

She then nonchalantly announces, “That’s because you’re pregnant!”

A mixture of shock, amazement and disbelief (the shock factor) took over. Did she just say what I think she said?

Sure did!

Immediately all the symptoms and that question, “Could I be pregnant?” That kept ringing through my mind came back, the one I had Taught myself years ago not to take too seriously lest I submerge in to a pit of despair, but this time it was different. Not the same Jade. Not the same body.

You see, it’s possible to be healed and not even know it. It’s possible to be living in the best year of your life and have no idea. It’s possible to be Mary or Elizabeth, Hannah or Sarah and have no idea!

It’s possible to wish for the dream you’ve always wanted and be in utter surprise that you are already living it!

I was pregnant yet still praying, still hoping, still desiring and not knowing what the future held. Older now, having no idea if IUI would work. I had no choice to hold onto faith.

It is possible to wish for the dream you always wanted and be in utter surprise that you are already living it!

I saw how hard and expensive and crazy the IVF process was, God please no! Please no! I know my family is not complete.

God why is this so hard for me? No answers because the had the surprise of my life around the corner.

One of my favorite scriptures was ringing true, eye has not seen, ear has not heard, it has not even entered into the heart of man what God has in store for you!

Eye has not seen, ear has not heard, it has not even entered into the heart of man what God has in store for you!

1 Corinthians 2:9

Letting Go

No one knew I was healed but God.

Rewind to December 16, 2018 and you will understand why letting go is my theme.

No one knew I was healed but God.

In a sudden moment of intense pain, increasingly severe, On my way to a wedding ceremony, my husband was officiating. I tried to shake the pain off but it only got worse.

On December 16, 2018 while my husband was officiating a wedding I was being rushed to a hospital wondering what was causing out this pain. But God had a purpose to the process. That trip saved my life.

I tried to pray it off, quote Scriptures, hope it away. But it wouldn’t go away.

By the time I got to the wedding site I was laid out on the bathroom chaise doubled over in pain. And this is a woman who has a high tolerance for pain so I knew something was desperately wrong at this point.

We rushed out of that site, me and a sweet nurse that attends our church.

Pass people I knew were judging me, because that’s unfortunately what church folk do! Looking for a reason to gossip, put down my name, anything they could find throw me out. Not because they’re bad but some bad theology can make you think pain equals God’s judgment.

No matter what your situations, feelings or other people say always remember God is good and has a good plan for you! He’s got you!

Been there, done that. Moved on to a happy loving God!

I’ve learned that most times pain is the way God works out miracles. God is Not out to get us, even if it feels that way.

I’ve learned that pain is the way God works out miracles. God is Not our to get us, even if it feels that way.

Pushing away the humiliation I rushed to the emergency room in excruciating pain, 11 out of a scale of 10.

Hospital staff gave me a make shift room, rushed me to the top of the list, morphine, by now my husband came into the room and I heard the Holy Spirit whisper, “You’re going to have surgery before you leave today.”

An overwhelming peace came over me.

Okay God, let’s do this.

Xrays.

A pause.

What’s going on? I knew that look all too well.

Nurses coming and going.

Something is really wrong.

Whatever they saw is off.

The nurse then came to the next room I was moved to an announced that most people with my condition don’t make it. If I came in 48 hours later so probably wouldn’t have made it.

This surgery saved my life!

Now they were on a mission to save my ovary.

After sharing that I was preaching when all the sudden I felt this pain the nurses wisked me away to anesthesia glory.

I woke up to Apple grape juice…such a sweet taste and my husband tenderly watching me by the bedside.

But I had yet to know the verdict.

Did I still have my ovary?

Finally the doctor came in the room to announce the procedure results, “We tried but just could not save it. You had what is called Ovarian Torsion…”

My mind began to race, but what about having children? Is he telling me I won’t be able to?

My thoughts were interrupted with, “But you can still get pregnant with one ovary. Many women have.”

As I lay there on that hospital bed I could feel the fear, hear the mocking words. This must be God judging you, you’ll never get pregnant again, and on and on. We tend to personalize what we do not understand.

I could feel the fear, hear the mocking words. This must be God judging you, you’ll never get pregnant again, and on and on. We tend to personalize what we do not understand. But I knew to cast those words down!

But I knew to cast those words down, to send them back to where they came from and trust God. To trust God’s goodness and sovereignty.

Then my tender husband said, “I believe God has done this to heal you. This ovary has given you problems for quite some time.”

Those were the words of hope I clung to for the following year, but I still didn’t understand them. As the year went on, I felt different, saw changes in my body, my system appeared to be regulating.

Something had changed.

Maybe Corey was right.

Infertility is defined as not conceiving after 12 months of regular sexual intercourse without the use of birth control.

Well it had been about 11 months since that surgery and still no baby naturally.

Infertility is defined as not conceiving after 12 months of regular sexual intercourse without the use of birth control.

Still back to costly treatments.

To be honest, My heart was so so tired from years of this process. I needed God to renew my strength.

Once I got the news that I was pregnant for the first time in my life, with no treatments of any sort it all began to make sense!

That surgery didn’t just save my life, which I’m forever grateful for, God used it to completely heal me of infertility.

I was holding onto that ovary, had to grieve the lost of an organ I thought I needed to produce new life, only to find it was what was hindering me!

I was holding onto that ovary, had to grieve the lost of an organ I thought I needed to produce new life, only to find it was what was hindering me!

Jade Lee

Isn’t that what we do? Hold onto people who have shown us they don’t want to be in our lives, old boyfriends, people mistreating and using us, people who don’t get the journey God has on. Holding on to old seasons, old things God used to bring forth abundance in the past. But now he wants to do something new!

Sometimes holding onto something does more damage than letting go.

God wants us to embrace the new not just accept it. God wants us to see our life NOW as the glory days, not just the past. God wants us to trust that we are housing a miracle, we are healed, he is good, now, right now, right here, in the place of Not Yet, in the place of I Can’t See It and I Don’t Get it.

This if Faith. And we only need a mustard seed of it. That’s all I had left. But it was enough.

It was enough to Move this Mountain that had been in my life for sooo many years.

When you let go you can fully enjoy the gifts right in front of you and get impregnated with something new!

It wasn’t enough to have partial healing, this letting go process was God pursuing me, answering my deepest prayers and revealing another level of his healing, housed in a new wineskin.

God wants us to see he can do it without whatever we are holding onto that we think we desperately need for it to happen!

Behold, I am doing a new thing; now it springs forth, do you not perceive it? I will make a way in the wilderness and rivers in the desert. Isaiah 43:9

I can’t even write that Scripture without tears welling up in my eyes. But right before that he says, “Remember not the former things, nor consider the things of old.” Isaiah 43:18

Behold, I am doing a new thing; now it springs forth, do you not perceive it? I will make a way in the wilderness and rivers in the desert.

Isaiah 43:19

Our good God has a way of making a way out of no way, a way in the dry places, the empty, dead wombs of our lives and bringing up exactly what we need in that desert. Right where we have been most hurt, most humiliated, most mocked, God turns you our enemies and says, “Watch this! This is my beloved child in whom I am well pleased!”

And God alone receives the glory!

That’s my story and I’m sticking to it. I hope you do too as in this new year we say, Out with the Old, In with the New. We have new eyes on the promises of God and 20/20 Vision.

When I thought it couldn’t get any better, Surprise! This is the BEST Year of My Life!